I grew up in a very strict Muslim household. Lessons of chastity were served with our daily meals. “Ruky, don’t let a boy touch you. Keep your body for your husband,” my mother hammered in my head the least chance she got. So I stayed away from boys. I wouldn’t talk to them or look at them.
The few times I took interest in boys, it wasn’t sexual. It was mostly admiration and crushes. Every time someone suggested going all the way with me, I would remember my mother’s lectures and then tell them I was saving myself for marriage.
I held on to my virginity until I met Hassan. I told him, “I haven’t done it yet, and I am not going to do it until I am married.” He smiled and said, “That’s alright. I can wait.” True to his words, he waited. We were in love so the wait was difficult. Sometimes our emotions would try to get in the way but we overcame them until we finally tied the knot in a simple Islamic ceremony.
I was twenty-five when we got married. The pain I went through that night just for us to consummate our marriage was not a joke. It was my first time so I expected it to hurt. I clenched my teeth and endured it until it was over. When he finished I said to myself, “Now that we’ve done the painful part, I will enjoy everything that comes afterward.”
I am sure when I made that statement the universe laughed. I am saying this because the next time we did it again, it hurt. That one too I convinced myself that it was the second time so the pain was not abnormal. Maybe after this, I won’t feel pain when we do it next time. That was what I consoled myself with.
My husband works in another town so he only comes home on weekends. When he went away for work I was relieved. His absence meant no shuperu. No shuperu meant no pain. It also meant I didn’t have to pretend I was having fun when I wasn’t.
When the week finally passed and the weekend arrived, I was petrified. For some reason, I didn’t know how to tell my husband about the pain I feel when we get together. I feel embarrassed to have that kind of conversation with him. So I have been performing an act every time we make love.
Because of the pain, it scares me. So I don’t like it. I don’t feel any iota of pleasure when he is touching me. All I feel is fear and pain. I have tried to move past it but it’s somewhat impossible.
The moment he tries to touch me, I panic. By the time he is touching me and we are doing it, I am in pain. I try my best to hide it but it doesn’t seem I am succeeding. There are times he asks me, “What’s going on with you? Do you not find me desirable?” He doesn’t know exactly what the problem is but he knows something is wrong.
I love him. Our marriage is not even two months old. I don’t want to drive my husband away this soon because of my pain. Is this happening because I married as a virgin? The women here who waited till marriage to do it, did you experience pain even after the first time? How long did the pain last?
I am very worried that there’s something wrong with me. What if I am one of those people who don’t have sexual feelings? Maybe that’s why I feel pain when we do it. My body is probably protesting the activity because it doesn’t want it. I know this sounds crazy but what if I am right?
Ever since I started having shuperu, I have never enjoyed it. I have also never desired or craved it. How is this normal? As a young woman with blood coursing her veins, I should want to have intimacy with my man. But that has not been my portion. I only do it because it’s part of my wifely duties. And I want that to change.
I want to be able to make love to my husband and enjoy every bit of it. I want to crave his touch instead of dread it. I want to enjoy the feel of his skin against mine, and not wish for him to hurry up and get off me.
Please what can I do to enjoy intimacy in my marriage? Also, is there something wrong with me? Or what I’m experiencing is normal? I need help.
